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the condition of my heart

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Dad is in the hospital tonight.  It’s not close enough for me to drive and visit him in a car.  I’d have to take the train and then a taxi or the subway.  It’s not a plane flight but it’s not close.  I’d honestly be feeling better if it we traded placed.  I can handle it better when it’s me all the doctors are poking and prodding.  It’s the feeling of helplessness that overwhelms and destroys me.  All throughout dinner tonight I couldn’t think about anything else. 

They said…

“This stew is great Mom.” 

“Thanks kiddo.  I’m so glad you like it.”

I heard…

“He has a high fever.  His blood pressure is elevated and we don’t have the results from the MRI back yet.”

“We’re going to keep him overnight for observation.  We won’t know anything until the doctors review his chart.”

After calling twenty or thirty times I finally spoke with Mom.  She’s trying to hold it together but is obviously, and justifiably freaking out.  Fortunately we have family out there so she’ll have a place to stay.  I tried calling them too.  It rang and rang without going to voicemail.  They were probably on the other line with some other family member telling them the same story I got from Mom.

I want to be there.  I want to do something.  Do anything.  I know I’ll just be taking away oxygen from other families in the waiting room, but the pull in my gut…  I could at least provide some support to Mom.  Granted, none of our health is very good these days.  My surgery was less than six months ago and she’s close to going on dialysis any day now.  Still, we need to be there for each other. 

I feel panicky, palm sweaty and shaky.  My breath is short and rapid but it’s not from my heart condition.  It’s from the condition of my heart. 

Hopefully I’ll sleep tonight. 

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About alexkimmell

i write. sometimes with words. sometimes with sounds. visit me at alexkimmell.weebly.com the novel "the Key to everything" now available on amazon, b&n, iTunes

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